Gnawing
Yesterday I did something that I last did 23 years ago. In fact it was 14th February 1985 when I did it. I was a 19 year old student in a large group of other male and female students. When I decided to stop doing it it I was convinced that morally and politically it was the right decision. Over the years - not doing this thing became not only a strong habit - but a big part of who I am. When I meet others who also don't do it - I have a sense of bonding with them which I enjoy. It makes me feel like I am part of a special minority. Also not doing it helps me to avoid some decisions that I find difficult.

People ask me now and again - especially when I first meet them - why I don't do it? The problem is - I really don't know any more. In the early years I spouted the familiar lines of the zealot. More recently I find myslef fumbling to give any coherent answer at all. For several years the idea of doing it again has been gnawing at me.

And for some reason -last night I did it.