Immovable Object
I returned to Mr Clutch after leaving them with my new clutch and without my £213.
"The clutch is fine" I said " But the light behind the radio display where you can see the time and temperature doesn't work".
"That's because we detached the battery" he said "you just have to put in the code"
"No it isn't" I said " The radio doesn't work - you can't put in the code - the light was working this morning".
"Well all we've done is disconnect the battery" he said.
"No we didn't " said the lad behind him who had done the work on my car "You don't have to on Vauxhalls".
"Well," he said " as he looked me in the eye. "It's probably just the bulb - they do go sometimes."
"Thank you" I said as I left.

Good Fortune
I'm so pleased. I booked my car into the garage on wednesday because the brake lights don't work (Its not the bulbs) and it makes an awful noise when you turn sharp left. On the way home from work it started making a whirring noise when you put the clutch down.
"Oh no!" I said to her. "The clutch is going and its bound to break down when i'm on the way to London next weekend for my mums birthday".
The whirring got worse and luckily I managed to catch the garage before it closed. He confirmed that the clutch needed doing.
The even better luck was that Mr Clutch was still open and can do the job tommorow for £213 including fitting.
Sometimes I don't know I'm born.

Thaw
I went back to Tesco's on Thursday - not because I have forgiven them - but because I was in a hurry. They didn't have the rice cakes I wanted but a young man offered to go to the stock room to check if they had some there.
I was almost impressed.

Tentative
I had a complimentary medical treatment this week. Although I have told several people about it - I'm quite nervous about mentioning it here. Its a treatment that most people wouldn't consider - and of those who do - most wouldn't want to tell people about it. But I'm not really like that. Little secrets bug me and I find myself itching to share them. Mostly this happens without any bad consequences - so I keep on doing it.

I'm not going to tell you about the treatment now - apart from that I feel better for it. One person I told about it laughed hysterically and another said that she would like to try it herself. Mostly people just asked me questions about it.

The other day I saw someone having this treatment on TV. I told my manager and he had never heard of it.

Turnaround
"If he keeps on drinking like that - his liver'll be shot" she said " but maybe he'll turn it around".
"What his liver..." he said.
Everyone laughed.
"Yeah " I said "Its like when you change your pants around to get more wear out of them".
"So I hear". I added

DIY
I swore a lot at work yesterday. I was more angry than I usually get. I do swear too much - especially in front of my son as I am often reminded - but I don't swear that much at work. There were three reasons for me swearing yesterday in the office.
1. I am a foul mouthed git with no self control.
2. Swearing is the way I usually respond to extreme frustration or anger.
3. The story I am about to tell you about my car radio.

I like my car radio. It enables me to both listen to music in the car via my MP3 player and sport on the radio via the radio. Last week it stopped working. I had fixed it once before by wiggling around the relays but this didn't work - so on friday I went to a car electrical place. They couldn't look at it 'till monday so I booked it in and went to the Autoparts shop in search of a self help solution. Someone at work had told me her friend had fixed her radio by taking it out and replacing the fuse.
"How did he take it out? I enquired
"He had some sort of tools with two prongy things" she replied.
To my delight the Autopart shop near my office sold "prongy things" for £1.99. I bought some and set about trying to remove the radio. It seemed hard work and I had to yank away. Eventually I had movement but instead of the radio coming out - just the front bit did with little ribbony things on the back of it. This didn't look right so I got two screwdrivers to try to get the rest out. No luck - so I forced the front bit back on and tried to forget about it over the weekend.
On monday I took it to the electrical place in joyful anticipation of getting my radio back. I walked back to the office pleased with myself about having some exercise. I woofed down my lunch and waited for the call. It didn't come so I phoned them. The receptionist put the mechanic on.
"You're radio's broken" he said " It looks like someone's forced the front of it off"
"What" I said
"There's nothing wrong with the power" he said " But its useless now."
"So you're saying that I've broken my own radio"
"It looks like it"
I pleaded a bit with him and told him what I'd done and why and asked what I should have done. Then I asked him what it was going to cost to not have my radio.
"That's an hours labour" he said
"Forty pounds" he said
"Plus VAT" he said.
I put the phone down and started swearing.

A Weeksworth
On Saturday I went to the Chocolate Factory benefit in the Lego church. I drunk too much and encouraged my friend to heckle. We sang "Get back to Fishponds" to the tune of "This land is your land".

On Sunday I went shopping in Clarks Village in Street . In the evening I took my son to a quiz which wasn't there. Went to the pub and played pool instead. After beating him 4 times he said
"We've played quite a lot of pool".

On Monday I went to work. If anything significant or amusing happened - I've forgotten it already.

On Tuesday I went to the pub to play Table Tennis. That's interesting enough in itself - isn't it?

On Wednesday I went to a Slimming class for the first time. We all clapped when someone had lost weight. One man - when asked if he knew why his weight had stayed the same that week, replied
"I've been having some trouble going to the toilet".
Later I went to the Open Mic evening at the pub. I decided to play one of my own songs as well as two covers. Several people said that they liked my own song. What was wrong with the covers?

On Thursday my manager returned after 6 weeks away. He brought chocoalte which I couldn't eat. After work I watched Quadrophenia on DVD which I bought for £6 in Street. I saw it once before when I was 15 with Scum.

On Friday I put on the jeans I had bought in Street - size 36". They were too tight. I decided to wear them anyway in the hope that they would stretch. I was uncomfortable when I sat down.

Customer Service
I'm boycotting Tescos at the moment. This is the third time in the twenty odd years that they have had a store at Eastville that I have done this. The first time - as I recall was as a protest against them cutting down trees to build their new store at Golden Hill. My only memory of any more active part in this protest was a day spent holding the ladders of people picketing up the trees. (I don't like heights!)

The second time - which come to think of it was probably the first - in fact they may have blended into one - was during the anti-apartheid campaign when Tesco's eastville refused to stop stocking South African produce.

Some time in the mid 90's I stopped being so concerned about the trees and with black majority rule in South Africa I was free to consume in the biggest, cheapest and best stocked local store. This went reasonably well until the last couple of years when either I have officially become a grumpy old man or Tescos has gone down the toilet.

I don't mind it when they move things around - that's a lie I fucking hate it - but I would put up with it if they had the decency to employ someone who knows where they have moved it to. The final straw was last monday when in a burst of new year healthyness I had a hankering for a packet of Rice Cakes. They weren't in the organic produce nor with the crackers. It was on the way home from work and I was knackered but having made the effort to go I wasn't leaving without my rice cakes. I marched to customer services.
"Can you tell me where the rice cakes are please?
"Aren't they over by the crisps?"
"I don't know - I couldn't find then there."
"I'll get someone to help you - (Over the tannoy) Grocery assistant to Customer services"
I waited 5 minutes wishing I hadn't bothered. I gave her a look. She looked back resigned and disempowered.
"Grocery assistant to Customer Services - Customer waiting"
10 minutes. I looked over again
"I don't think their coming" she said.
I stuffed my pockets with customer feedback forms and stormed towards the crisp section where to my surprize I found the rice cakes.
This week I found Morrisons very helpful.

The end of the world
Today the winds made Bristol feel like the end of the world. Someone had a dream the other night about the apocalypse. I appeared in the dream drunk. Today's armageddon found me merely hungover instead. I often find that looking at the world through last nights beer goggles makes it appear even more surreal than usual.

I drove to a housing block we manage at 9am to be greeted by an officious man in a high visibility coat telling me and everyone else that we couldn't park there or we'd be clamped. I managed to persuade him it was OK for me to park there - but he pointed at a woman about to park down the road saying,
"You'll have to tell her she can't park there."
"She's nothing to do with me" I replied.

Later a former colleague turned up at our office for a coffee and use of the internet. The traffic had been so bad in the wind he had abandoned his journey. The phone rang and someone asked for him. I passed the phone over.
"Who is it? No one knows I'm here" he said
"I don't know"
He asked the caller how she got this number. She told him it was in their records.
"But I haven't worked here for 3 years".
It was his bank - asking him to come in for one of their "reviews".

A memeber of my team asked me in her supervision meeting if I thought that excessive cannabis use could cause a man to be sterile.
"I don't think so" I said " I expect all the sperm just swim around aimlessly going
"Hey man - which way is it."

The world seems to still be here.

Silence
I don't want to talk about it - alright!

A Blessing
I went to get hot drinks and snacks a few minutes before half time to avoid the rush. I was relieved to see that the kiosk at the end of the Atyeo stand was near the pitch so you could watch the game whilst queueing. I could also keep an eye on my older son who was keeping an eye on my younger son.
"...I came out without my flask" he moaned to the man behind me, "And I came out without my wallet. I've just about enough for a cup of tea but not for two. Its terrible £1.40 for a cup of tea..."
I looked over my shoulder at the owner of this voice - an elderly man - and the listener - a man between my age and that of the moaner. The listener looked interested but just nodded. I looked back towards the prices at the kiosk. My order of coffee, hot chocolate, hot dog and chunky kit kat came to £6.50. I had loads of change in my coat pocket so I turned again and asked the man how much he was short.
"About 40p" he said.
I gave him a 50p piece.
He gave me 10p back and said
"God bless you" as he placed a hand on my shoulder.
"No worries", I said.